I forget about this blog. I'm not sure why. I run through my on-line to-do list: (1) gmail (1162 unread messages) (2) facebook (139 new requests), (3) caring bridge.
I haven't been posting on Caring Bridge lately. What would I say? That I have an ulcer. That on mornings when I go to work, I usually start the day vomiting. That I go to bed at 8 pm because I'm just that exhausted. No one wants to hear that.
Being out of the hospital is supposed to be wonderful. And it is. But every day I think about cancer. Even as her hair grows back, I wonder, will she get to keep it this time? Or is there another round of chemo waiting? And if there is, what then?
And with being home, there is the obligation of work. "Normalcy". The days are long, but we're slow. And all I really care about is when I can escape to see the fam. When we're busy, it isn't as bad. With being busy, there are interesting cases and income ... and that will help us get back on our feet after the 6 month hospital stay. But when there are no patients and still I have to sit at work, I'm furious. Wasted time. 0 dollars an hour ... I'd rather be home, earning at the same rate.
And I suppose I should be thankful. Thankful that we're out of the hospital. Thankful that we're all together again. Thankful that I have a job despite the shitty economy. But I'm not that kind of woman.
I'm waiting for something to happen. Holding my breath. Hoping it doesn't comes. How will I know when it's safe to breathe again?