Monday, November 14, 2011

There was a moment today when I laid down, covered my face with a shirt (yes, dirty laundry scattered about my room, so when I reached for the nearest thing, I grabbed a shirt -- a cute light blue hoodie. A hoodie passed down to me from my mom because I don't shop). I covered my face with the hoodie and cried.

I cried because there are days when I am the worst mom. Moments when I yell and have the meanest look in my eyes. And that is never, ever the mom I thought I would be.

I cried because we have changed our plans so many times in the last 6 years. This roller coaster the kids have been riding. And I can't blame cancer for all of this. In fact most of our moves and life changes have been cases of the grass being greener over there.

And frankly, right now, the grass is pretty green. So why don't I just sit down in this field and have a picnic with my kiddos?

My tears today, the worries that brought them on, are trivial. And not only by comparison to cancer.

The little red-headed monkeys are happy and healthy. They have friends and loving, supportive teachers. They are growing and thriving.

So I looked back at our Caring Bridge post from this day in 2008. I was so sure it would be bleak and depressing and remind me of just how lucky we really are. Instead, this is what I found:

"Just a quick update:
We are home....finally! L is doing very well and so are the rest of us. We've got a few days of being homebodies, then it's back to Brenner."

So it revealed something else, even more important. We were in the middle of hell. And we found reasons to smile and use exclamation points!

We are home now. We are together, even the dogs! And even though I had a bad day, I'm not going to dwell on it!

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